Monday, August 23

Moments That Are More Like An SATC Episode Than They Are Like Real Life: A Tangent

So I recently went to get a facial (which in and of itself is more like an SATC episode than real life, since such pricey spa treatments are usually waaaay outside my adjunct self's financial purview--thank you, nice people who gave me cash for graduation!), and had a distinctly "I have been thrown into a humiliating Miranda plotline, circa about Season Two" type experience. Said experience went a little something like this [adding the caveat before I begin that the esthetician in question was a very nice lady and a very talented woman at her job--one does not wish to falsely paint a picture all black]:

Esthetician: "Do you have any children?"

Me: "Nope, no kids."

Esthetician: "Are you married?"
Me: "Nope, not married."
Esthetician: "But you have a boyfriend?"
Me: [feeling like I should be hooked up to a polygraph by this point, and wondering if delivering a lecture on heteronormativity to someone wielding what looks like a scalpel is entirely wise]: "Nope, I'm totally, completely, utterly single!"
Esthetician: [poking at my skin critically]: "Well, when we fix this, that will change."
Me: [silent, thinking to self that self does not want a husband or boyfriend who would want me only on the condition that I successfully banished all of the imperfect "thises" from my person.]
Esthetician: [poking at a different patch of my skin even more critically]: "You can tell that you are a single lady from your skin. Hormones, girl, hormones! That is what makes your skin like this."
Me: [wondering why, if it is so obvious from my skin that I am unmarried, I was even asked whether or not I was married in the first place]: "But... wouldn't I still have hormones, even if I was married, or had a boyfriend?"
Esthetician: [jabs at part of my skin with a sharp metal implement, thus effectively silencing me for the duration.]

So, in case the lessons to be gleaned from this exchange are not clear to you:

1) I have troubled skin because I do not have a boyfriend or husband to keep my hormones in check.

2) My troubled skin is making it tricky for me to attract a boyfriend or husband who will keep my hormones in check. (The world of the
Catch-22... I live in it.)
3) Basically, keeping my hormones in check is key here.

4) Also, all women are straight.

Got that? Now if you'll excuse me, now that my skin is freshly facialed, I need to betake myself out there to find me my very own Hormone Check-er! They are not going to check themselves, people

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